I am picking up where I left off two years ago. While it seems like an eternity since I last posted anything here, it has only been a mere twenty four months. Within these two years, however, it seems like I’ve shed away much of what I deemed so important at the time. My opinions, my outlooks, and my fixations have melted away.
And yet, there is something inside of me that seems to suck the oxygen out of my lungs, a prison where I am afraid to express myself as openly as I used to, in fear of being criticized, singled out, and made an example of. I couldn’t be more disappointed in letting myself succumb to these judgements. My thoughts seem mundane and uninspiring as I try to fit myself into a box of stereotypes, a place where I can no longer be honest.
I miss the spunk that I once possessed. Everything that I do in my day to day life seems crafted, fit to play a part in the stage called “Life”. Mistakes seize to be lessons learned but instead, prick me this way and that. Acceptance is no more. Critique blankets my thoughts and chains my perceptions.
I am done with this weakness that seems to eat away at me. In my attempt to mask myself, I have lost the spark inside of me. The voice inside my head that always urges me to feel, to trust, and to explore is muted out. And I plan on changing that.
It is time that I stop making excuses myself. As much as I would like to say that I’ve grown as a person, I also have to acknowledge my rough edges and realize there is still much to be done. It is time to start anew, to reflect on the past, and to set myself free.